So, I’ve tried to read Rachel Held Evans’ new book, but I just can’t do it. To get through the few pages that I could, I had to down a few jack and cokes. And, then I had to repent because I might have taken that too far. Luckily my amazingly-hot-in-bed, and beautiful, wife Grace was around to gracefully ask me to slow down. And then give me a back rub.
But, who needs to actually read a book when you already know what it says, and you’ve done your internet homework about the author? So, who is Rachel Held Evans? And, first off, what’s up with this ridiculous multiple last names thing lately? Just another sign of our stupid culture making an idol out of “equality.”
The first I heard about Rachel was from her book “Evolving in Monkey Town.” What a dumb title. Well, I didn’t read that one either. I’ve heard good and bad. Personally, I can’t seem to make up my mind which team I am on. Mars Hill has hosted events for The Discovery Institute - the nice, smart guys who invented Intelligent Design (which, brilliantly, is just a relevantly repackaged version of Creationism). I guess my problem is that my personal guru Tim Keller was on the board of BioLogos, which is in large part a direct response to the likes of Michael Behe. Those guys seem hellbent on showing that Intelligent Design is not science. When I first started Mars Hill – which, by the way, is one of the fastest growing churches in America, maybe even the world – I taught that the earth was only 6000 years old, and that heaven was a completely separate place from earth. Later on, I changed my mind, but I still only preach what the text plainly says. And I’m always right.
So, Rachel - a woman, mind you - wrote that book. And, I’m guessing that she didn’t get her pastor or husband’s permission to do so. I just can’t bring myself to keep reading it – I mean, would I actually read a book written by a gay person? I don’t understand why she can’t just let the warriors like Behe and Keller duke it out, and spend her time enjoying wearing dresses, cooking food and pleasing her husband? Some women are so unappreciative of what we are willing to sacrifice for them.
I guess this new book – I refuse to blaspheme the holy phrase by mentioning the name of the book - was written to try to show how ridiculous it is to actually take the Bible seriously. Well, when you’re more committed to Sola Cultura than you are to Sola Scriptura, you’re just going to be wrong. If Rachel had actually read the same Bible that I read every day – and highlight and write lots of notes in – then she would have come to the same conclusions that I have. Obviously. Only an idiot would disagree. Or a woman.
I’ve also heard from some good friends – the kind who actually agree with me – that Rachel only used the most extreme complementarians to support the traditional view of family. Doesn’t she know that many of the real marriages in my real church are made up of cussing, tattooed indie rockers? Why would they pay any attention to extremist homeschooling, head covering wearing looneys? Why doesn’t Rachel spend more time interacting with more moderate folks like Doug Wilson, who write real academic books? She obviously just wants to create a caricature of the whole thing.
And, in case Rachel just woke up yesterday, I already wrote the book on marriage, family, and sex. It’s called Real Marriage, and, of course, it was a New York Times Bestseller. Obviously, since it has sold so many copies, it must be right. What’s popular isn’t always right…unless it came from me.
Anyway, the Bible is clear: men are leaders, providers, kings, and so on; and women are helpers. I’m not sure how this could be more clear. I’m sure, eventually, I’ll get to the point of quoting those verses about women getting a physical rebuke from their husbands, but I’m holding out on those until I’m even more of a crotchety old man. Until I have been able to trick thousands more people into agreeing with me by layering hip upon cool over the nasty stuff that’s actually in the Bible - and that I actually believe. Just putting the fun back into fundamentalism.
So, instead of reviewing the book, I’m going to call out the sinners who have put me in the position of having to take time out of my relaxing day to write this. I could be taking my daughters on a date or defeating dragons with my sons.
You’re first because you aren’t even a man. How could you allow your wife to write this nonsense? Shame on you. Grow up, and grow a pair. Put your foot down (lovingly of course). Your wife doesn’t submit to you because you’re not actually following Jesus. Or at least not the real Jesus. The Jesus who could beat you up – and would, if he had the chance. I’m surprised someone else hasn’t already done this – or maybe they have. You’re honestly not worthy of my time. Wolf in sheep’s clothing. Or in women’s clothing.
Rachel “Held Evans” Mrs. Dan Evans,
You just need to stop. You’re wasting your life away by not submitting to the role that God has written into your DNA. So, stop it. Repent. Turn from your evil ways and be a real woman. And, go down on your husband every once in a while. Or, stop calling yourself a Christian. And, BTW, how dare you go on a secular show like The View and not preach the gospel? Shame. If you want to write a book, most of the women I meet are pretty ignorant on how to raise kids, clean a house or cook. And, if you want to write a book with footnotes, your only audience should be women. You don’t have five kids, like me and my real wife Grace? Blasphemy. If you were my daughter, I’d cry about it in a real sermon like seven times in one Sunday.
I’ve already wasted too much time on this. This is just another case of sinning through questioning. This heresy is even worse than watching Avatar or Twilight or doing Satanic yoga. If you’ve read the book, you’re an idiot. If you’ve supported Rachel’s heresy, you’re going to hell too. Especially Tony Jones.
This is a fictional review not written by nor endorsed by Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church or the Acts 29 Network. But, it does use many repeated phrases and thoughts spoken by Pastor Mark over the past several years. This is the review Mark wishes his PR team would allow him to write.
And, by the way, the authors of this review don’t have an “ax to grind.” This is what people with a sense of humor call “satire.” You’re welcome.